everything i make sucks and i don't give a shit anymore

written

ever since i got into computer programming as a child, i always ran into the same problem over and over again: "how the hell do i make something that people actually care about?"

over time, i slowly got better and better at making things, and this let me work on more complex projects.

for example, here's what i made in the past few years:

(i've been programming for ~12 years now, but my older projects have been taken down because they're too embarrassing to continue to have up.)

and ~nobody gives a shit about any of it.

i've always found this fact incredibly depressing. no matter what i make, how much time i spend, or how hard i try, nothing i make is actually useful or interesting to anybody (besides a small a group of friends who pretend to care out of kindness).

the truth is, making genuinely useful/interesting things is incredibly fucking hard. there's a reason why most startups and small businesses fail. there's a reason why most artists are never able to make a living off of their passion.

but, i've recently realized that, in a way, it's almost kind of freeing. what's the point of being afraid of sucking at something when nobody gives a shit anyways?

i'm only one drop in an ocean of people, and i've only got one life to live. so fuck it, i'm going to try new things rather than being too afraid of being bad at something to ever get good at it.

i know i'm terrible at writing; that's how you know i'm not using an LLM to do it for me.

but, just like any other skill, being terrible at writing is how you eventually get good at writing. you have to practice again and again, trying not to cringe at how much you're making a fool of yourself.

if i genuinely try to improve, every blog post might be a little bit less bad than the last. someday, i might even get good at it. maybe (i seriously doubt this), i might even make something that people actually care about.

but in the meantime, i'm going to keep writing things on here, even if only like 5 people ever end up reading them.

maybe someday, i'll make something that those 5 people really like. they might even like it enough to share it, and then maybe, just maybe, 6 people could end up reading it instead of 5.

maybe someday.